American WHAT?

I will preface this by saying that I am in no way a great singer. Yes, I sing along in my car/shower/house/office to all manner of tunes, but I would never subject myself to any form of competition. Especially in front of actual people.

What was up with American Idol last night? Hello? Did they forget they are on national television - with a live studio audience? This isn't time for warmups!

The most hideous thing? Ace Young and his SCAR.
Honestly. His performance reminded me of when Amber was little, and used to mime the words to cheesy songs while using her Little Tykes microphone in the living room. Funny and cute when she was three. Not funny and cute when a grown man strokes his SCAR during his performance and strokes his HAIR as well. Granted, I know the lyrics to "Drops of Jupiter." But Ace, give me a break. Your narcissism is almost as annoying as Kellie Pickler's hick-speak.

Once again, I voted for Taylor. He and Paris had the best performances of the night. I don't think Taylor is the best singer, but he is HONEST. He isn't trying to woo the audience. He isn't trying to seduce the camera to win the 16-year-old-girl vote. He finally sang without having an epileptic seizure, which granted, can distract. (I know, it's his SOUL speaking when he moves like that - but it is a tad painful to watch.)

And someone, please vote Bucky off. I don't think I can take another week.

T.M.I.

I get these all the time, so in an effort to satisfy everyone's curiosity, I've posted my answers. Read 'em and weep. This is one of those posts I hope my parents never see!

You know the drill - you're supposed to place an X by all the things you've done, and send it to all of your friends.
This is for your entire life:

(X) Smoked a cigarette
(X) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car (they should have had "crashed into a friend's car")
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Been in love
(X Been dumped
(X) Been laid off/fired (and only b/c my boss wasn't paying his federal taxes!)
(X) Quit your job
( ) Been in a fist fight
( ) Snuck out of your parent's house (I was too goody-two-shoes for that back then)
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (Hello? Matt Damon??)
( ) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend
(X) Skipped school (only college, tho. I think I skipped entire years.)
(X) Seen someone die
( ) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
( ) Gone to Washington, DC (next year!)
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayon
(X) Sang karaoke (karaoke video, no less!)
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Clause
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
(X) Crashed a party
(X) Gone roller-skating
(X) Ice-skating

This is a very tame version of the "sex quiz" from years ago. No way I'm posting my answers to that one. Any others, feel free to send them to me. Maybe I'll answer.

Now, I want to know how many of you have stolen a car.

Surviving, Again

Hello, folks. I did not, as reported, drop off the face of the earth. I was merely spending another weekend, out of town, cavorting with fountain ducks.

It is amazing to me that as I get older, it takes so much longer to recover from a simple weekend out of town. (And yes, "simple weekend" usually involves an alcoholic beverage or two. Or three. Okay, maybe four.) In the olden days (read: college), I could go on for many days in a row without sleep and little sustenance besides 39-cent tacos and Boone's Strawberry Hill. I never remember being exhausted and having to take a "down day" to recuperate. Maybe I would have to take a partial day to recover from a hangover, but I was always ready for another round by evening.

Now, I spend one night partying (not even LATE, people!), and semi-sleep in an uncomfortable hotel bed, and BAM! I spent almost all day Sunday trying to regain my sense of self. It took all the energy I could muster to go to WalMart (then again, that's not unusual) and do the shopping.

Adding to my puzzlement - I eat SO MUCH BETTER now - PLUS, I exercise on a regular basis! I literally sweat out impurities by the bucketload when I work out! I read! I drink gallons of water - especially when I'm on a trip! I am a responsible individual! What's wrong with this picture?

Any tips are appreciated. And please, don't just tell me I'm getting old.

A Parent's Nightmare, Part Deux

It's staring you and your child in the face - the impending due date of the science fair project. Thankfully, the science teacher tells you about it during the first week of school. Giving you plenty of time to fret and worry.

Phase One - selecting a topic. This is made much easier due to the experimental nature of our daily home life. Father Roger comes up with the perfect project - involving baking soda and vinegar. With the help of the science teacher, we refine the project into an experiment involving exploding a cork out of a container and measuring the height the cork sails into the stratosphere, using various quantities of baking soda. A simple variation of a parlor trick we employed to amaze the child's friends during their toddler years.

Then comes the worst phase - attempting to prod the immobile child into completing the project. Stern phrases are heard, echoing throughout the house over the coming months.

"Have you thought about your science project?"
"When are you going to start your science project?"
"Exactly how much time until your science project is due?"
"Are you planning to wait until the absolute last minute to begin the science project?"
"Hello? Are you in there? Science project, anyone?"

Finally, the threats and the removal of privileges.

"No, you can't stay at so-and-so's house. Why? Because you haven't finished your science project."
"No, you can't rent that movie. The time would be much better spent on that science project."
"No dinner until you've spent an hour on that science project."
"I'm going to take your portable DVD player and do my own freakin' science project to see how far I can hurl it across the street and into the path of a passing SUV if you don't start working on that science project."

All of a sudden, the term "science project" becomes more offensive than any four-letter expletive known to man.

Alas, there is a happy/unhappy ending. Miraculously, the child works on the science project. Begrudgingly, she works on the project. Astonishingly, the child is remarkably proficient at using her computer skills to lay out all the photos and written portions of the science project. The science project is actually completed, the day before the science fair, in 30 minutes, because the child realizes there is no other option, if she cares to live any kind of existence outside (or inside) the home. It was easier than expected. The pressure appears to be off. A sense of relaxation begins to overcome the household for the first time in months.

Until the day of the science fair. Yes, here is your dual ending. The science project actually places. The science project will be traveling beyond the borders of the county, to compete at another level.

It will not die.

A Parent's Nightmare, Part One

You know the second they hand you that beautiful little bundle in the delivery room? That moment that couldn't be more awe-inspiring and heavenly? (Well, okay - assuming you had good drugs and/or complete amnesia for the past twelve hours.) There is something that awakens in the brain. Remotely, deeply, a small seed that begins to grow slowly over time...

You don't know really what it is - and after those first few blissful years of cuteness and toddlerhood, you begin to think it's taking shape somehow. As if you can almost put your finger on it.

Getting into the school years, it starts to feel like a loathsome dread - a black cloud hanging over you. That there is a mysterious facet of parenthood ahead that you had not anticipating while rolling around in the hay with your spouse, hurtling toward the bliss of procreation. You think it might involve organized sports and the demise of your beloved offspring in some freak basketball mishap. It continues to elude you for a few more years.

Finally, it hits you when the child enters the sixth grade. It is only then that the veil is lifted and realize the true horror of what lies before you. The one thing that you forgot, that has had parents and children locked in one of the most brutal conflicts of all time.

THE DREADED SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT.

Oscar Wrap-Up

Sigh...the last of the big award shows is over. What is a girl to do until football season begins again?

So, you know I can't pass up the opportunity to criticize some of the dresses, right? After all, even though this year's crop was one of the most fabulous and diva-stating ever, you KNOW there were flops. And I'm gonna point them out. (And btw, who was the genius who came up with POCKETS for formal gowns? I have to give them props for the strangest trend this year - yet the most useful!!)

Beautiful Charlize Theron. I have to give you credit for really getting nasty-looking in your last two films - that's what wins Oscars - but this is the night to SHINE, babe. Help Hollywood remember how gorgeous you really are! Don't hide half your face with a big, silly bow - then couple that with a dress that does NOTHING for your breasts!! Are you out of your mind? Or have you played so many ugly women lately that you just can't quite pull it together when need be?

Naomi Watts. Honey, we saw the big brutish Kong whip you around...but did you have a tussle at the Siegfried & Roy Ranch before the show? Seriously - this has to be the worst dress of the evening. I can't even see your waist, what with all that ratted material draped over it. Please don't tell me you paid good money to look so disheveled.

I won't even mention the atrocity on top of Helena Bonham Carter's head. I just pray that it wasn't her hair.
And once again, gotta love ya, Reese. But why did you wear a dress that weighs a ton? It was painful watching you lift it as you made your way up the steps to the podium - I honestly believe I saw you cringe with the effort. You are such a bright, light, funny little thing - and you chose to wear something that resembles curtains from the Titanic. I was waiting for the dress to pull you under the red carpet, drowning in a sea of fabric and beadery. My advice - try something fun next time. And light.

Lastly, what was up with all the montages? We could have cut those out, and saved an hour of show. Kudos for John Stewart for mentioning that! And I felt terribly sorry for Bobby Moresco, the OTHER winner of the original screenplay for "Crash." They shut out the lights and wouldn't even let him speak! Note to the Academy: cut the montages, and let the winners have their moment in the spotlight, uninterrupted.

Go Taylor!

Another good night of American Idol - and once again, the boys WAY outdid the girls. I was browsing the Taylor Hicks Fan Site earlier this evening, and noticed something strange. It appears that Taylor, in his younger (darker) days, bore a striking resemblance to a popular actor. An actor who is also now a salt-n-pepper man, though much older than our Hicks. Care to guess? C'mon --- look at the eyes. It's in there.

I will survive! (hack, cough...)

Yes, Ladies and Gents, I made it back from my party weekend in Hot Springs, very much alive.

Much fun was had by all, and I got to dance in my heels, wear a formal gown, play pool, and breathe in copious amounts of second-hand smoke.

More to come, including photos. Just have to get back into the routine of things first!

Vote for Taylor

I admit it. I've become addicted to American Idol.

I've never watched the show before, but for some reason, I picked this season to jump on the pop-cultural-couch-potato-bandwagon. And I'm glad I did.

As a classically trained musician, and someone who grew up during what my husband calls the "Dark Ages of Music" (the '80s), I am NOT usually enthused when I see each year's crop of new talent. But every now and again, someone will come along who is incredibly unique and different.

That's why I'm rooting fervently for Taylor Hicks on American Idol. NOT the package you'd expect. Older, by pop music standards (29), grey-headed, quirky, with a voice that might have once belonged to a black man. When he plays the harmonica, you feel like he's been in prison - he really pours his soul into the music. When you watch him sing, you think of Joe Cocker. You can see his face literally change when he sings - you can tell music is running through his veins and making him crazy with emotion. Yes, he's a little rusty around the edges - but all he needs is a good agent, PR firm and some polishing - wait, that would ruin him.

Anyway, I'm actually going to vote. For change. For someone other than these plastic, commercial, dime-a-dozen, perfect-body, perfect-smile little pop diva wannabes. For someone who loves music, and actually has some talent to back it up. Join the movement.

Linkage Break

It will only be a matter of time before SOMEONE finds out if this is for real. Check it out (thanks, Gary)!

Ebay Mardis Gras Trip

Your opinions are welcome!

More Linkage

Well, the weekend came and went, and I got wrapped up for too many hours playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. So, finally, here are more link facts!

Blurbomat is married to Heather from Dooce. He is much more calm - but speaks out on his blog about political insanity, Mac toys, photography, and general pop culture goodness. If you're into artsy photos, check out his and Heather's extra links. They are amateurs, but own some killer equipment that allows them to play with lighting and effects in amazing ways. The Armstrongs just returned from a trip to Amsterdam, so over the next few days, their blogs should feature some incredible photographs. Check them out!

Stuff on my Cat is a blog featuring a collection of photos sent in by folks all over the world. Photos of what? Yeah, you know. Now, if you're a rabid member of PETA or a twisted animal lover (you know the kind I mean), you might be offended at some of the content. Be assured, no cats are harmed to compose the photos on this site. Ever heard of kitty buckaroo? Where you stack items until the cat tires of your antics and bucks them off? Similar concept. This is one of my favorites, due to the expressions on the cats' faces. This site features categories of stuff on cats - including other animals.

And as a side note, an update on my "Grillz" post. Evidently, rappers aren't the only ones sporting the bling. My daughter informed me that the heavy goth metal bands often sport grillz made of only one type of tooth - diamond encrusted fangs. Want proof? Watch the latest video by Avenged Sevenfold. Or don't.

BTW, Happy VD to all you lovers out there. Here's your mascot (thanks Big!). May he rest in peace.

Links of Interest

In an effort to educate my readers, here's more info about the links in my sidebar. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. No, I'm not completely altruistic; I'm also trying out my new HTML skills(thank you, Mugsy!)!

1st up - PostSecret
This blog is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. Some of these are the typical "I'm cheating on my wife," or "I'm gay," brand of secrets, but some secrets are downright shocking, emotional and heartbreaking. An adult site, with new posts made every Sunday. One of the most popular blogs of 2005. Definitely worth checking out. My favorites ones are the funny ones, like this:

Well, now who hasn't done that from time to time! (HA! Don't all of you call DHS on me at once!)

2nd up - Dooce This is another "best of 2005" blog by former Mormon Heather Armstrong, who actually got fired for blogging about her job on her website. She is hysterical, and her tirades about motherhood and daily life make for great reading, often through tears of laughter. Also, I have a crush on her dog.

3rd - I should say BE WARNED before you check out Overheard in New York. New Yorkers are...well...lacking in Southern charm. These are actual conversations of New Yorkers, overhead (like you needed me to explain that to you). New Yorkers are very raunchy. Some are very raunchy in front of their children. You can greatly expand your urban vocabulary by visiting this site. You will be amazed at what conversations are had IN PUBLIC. Totally uncensored. My favorites are from the homeless, drunks and bums - fun for all!

You'll have to wait for the weekend for my explanations of the other choices. But something tells me, you'll get curious and click links before then. Explore!

Grills (Grillz?)

It's official. I'm old.

I was watching MTV with my daughter this morning, and as I'm prodding her to eat her breakfast, a song came on about "Grillz." For those of you who are not 25 and under, the new thing (thang?) in bling (blang?) is teeth.
I remember actually giggling whenever I'd see someone with a big gold tooth in their head - especially if it was a front tooth. Sometimes there would be a diamond inlaid in said tooth. I also remember HATING my braces in high school. I despised having a mouth full of metal. Little did I realize how "before my time" I was.

The grill above will set you back $1,400.
Want something cheaper? Try these:

All the big rappers are into these. Has the world gone insane? What's more, there is a new shop, opening in FORT SMITH, ARKANSAS, if you can believe it, that sells Grillz!

One good thing I've learned is that these are not like porcelain veneers - your actual teeth are intact. These are put on much like Bubba Teeth - except that you have to mold your own teeth, make a cast, and send them to the jeweler so they can customize your grill.
And here I thought Mr. T. was a fool, with all that heavy metal around his neck. This makes T look Tame.

I have to think twice now when someone says they have meat stuck in their grill.

CONTROVERSY!

I really wasn't going to comment on the Super Bowl. Really. But to hear Ben himself admit to David Letterman that he didn't think he got in the end zone --- well, I must say that I agree! Officiating kept the Seahawks from winning this game all around, IMHO. I was yelling at the tv, insisting that this wasn't a TD, but to no avail. Something tells me that there will be further referee ruckus around the ESPN circuit. As there should be.

Even though I feel like the Steelers deserved to take the trophy this year, I always root for the underdog. One reason I have a hard time with backing the boys from Pittsburgh is this man: The Great Earl Campbell. I grew up in a town outside of Houston, Texas. And some of my fondest childhood memories are of sitting in the Astrodome, watching the Houston Oilers play. I mean, look at the man's thighs, for goodness sake! Enough to make me feel thin at any weight. Yet, every time the Oilers would make a bid for greatness, they would face Terry Bradshaw and the formidable Steel Curtain. And lose. Four big losses in 1975 and a blowout in 1978 sealed the deal for me. Poor Earl never got that Super Bowl ring. And I never really got over my dislike for the Steelers. Those Texas boys weren't used to playing in snow - so I couldn't be mad at them!!

Btw, wanna know how to send me into a panic? Roger knows. He thought it would be cute to disconnect the cable, 30 minutes before the game. Real cute. I was on the phone with the cable folks, outside checking the lines, and just about to order the network stations on DirecTV, when he rolled his eyes and 'fessed up. He couldn't believe I was so anal. HA! When things foul up, trust - I'm the girl who gets things fixed.

For the record, my favorite commercials were the FedEx caveman, the Budweiser streaker, and The Little Clydesdale That Could.

Oh, and did I mention the highlight of Saturday night? The author of Controversy himself (remember this album?), Prince, took the stage and rocked SNL. Looks dang good for an old guy, too!

Brokeback Giggles

If you haven't seen "Brokeback Mountain," you've surely seen the previews. But have you seen the spoofs? Hehehehehe..... Okay, here's one for ya. I haven't figured out how to get this into my blog any other way than by giving you a link (neophyte, remember?) - so try this on for size:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfODSPIYwpQ

I'm giggling all over again!!!

For the "Top Gun" version, try this:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/01/barebacktopgun.html

The video is grainier, but the dialogue is much better!!

Let me know what you think!

I Only Watch it for the Commercials (LYING!)

Only a few more days until the Super Bowl, and I'm waiting not-so-patiently! The bad thing (for my husband) is, I watch the event AND the commercials - so the chances of getting me off the couch during the whole 3-hour spectacular are pretty slim. Okay, I'll be racing in and out to refill my beverage, but beyond that - I won't leave the glow of the beautiful big screen in our living room. It's too bad (once again, for my husband) that he isn't the typical football-obsessed man. Opposites attract, they say.

As always, I'm hoping for some awesome commercials. Barring an August Busch, IV extravaganza, I'll settle for more featuring the Anheuser-Busch Clydesdales. One of my favorite commercial series featured Terry Tate, Office Linebacker. What I wouldn't pay to have someone like Terry in my office!! It would be a priceless addition. In case you're not familiar with Terry's antics, check him out at this link:

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2459171?htv=12

Just click in the green "watch" button to enjoy.

Too bad I'm not in a little better shape. I'd love his job!

Random Ramblings

It's a new month! And the Super Bowl is just around the corner! How exciting can life be? Mostly random thoughts today -- too much to cover in a short time!

First topic: State of the Union. Let me just start by saying that if you really want to listen to this address, don't watch it with my husband. He begins tamely with a few silent gestures, then launches into argumentative rants at the television. (All of which are justified, IMHO.) When Bush starts his "Winkin', Blinkin', Noddin'" antics, it's usually too much for Roger to bear - and he will make his escape into another part of the house.

Second topic: American Idol. This is the first year I have watched this show, and I have serious questions about my fellow man! Do none of these people sing for an unbiased group before assaulting the judges with their horrific sounds and antics? You'd think someone would approach these poor souls and tell them the truth - that they sound like various livestock being electrocuted, and their dance moves resemble seizure activity. Once again, I can't help but watch. It's one thing to rubber-neck a crash site, but these people voluntarily display their eccentricities - so it's open season.

Third topic: Movies. Amber (the kiddo) will go thru phases where she has to rent mass volumes of movies and force me to watch them with her. Luckily, this weekend didn't include anything such as "White Chicks." (I should get a Mother-Of-The-Year Award for having to endure that umpteen times.)

Amber likes a good horror flick, and this week's choice was "Carrie." I made the horrible mistake of renting the new version of this film, but it was actually more true to the book. Amber enjoyed it, but the lead actress was SO NOT Sissy Spacek. I found myself throughout the film telling Amber, "Oh --- well, Sissy Spacek did that MUCH better..." So now, we have to go back and rent the original.

We also got "Brothers Grimm," which was entertaining, but mildly silly. I enjoy Matt Damon (always do).

Then on to "The Exorcism of Emily Rose," which drug on in places and was terribly dark. I got bored - and it was a little "heady" for Amber. Basically, the directors wanted the viewers to leave the film asking questions about their own faith and the possibility of demonic possession. I just wanted to see someone's head spin around.

Finally, the best for last: "Crash." This was one of those films that was fairly unpredictable, with lots of twists and turns. My blood pressure went up during some parts - I shed tears during others. This is worth most of the hype associated with it, and I highly recommend seeing it. If for no other reason, to see Sandra Bullock be a bigot and a beeyoch.

Football and Shoes

Football and shoes. Two things I love dearly.

Football season is soon coming to an end, and this weekend's playoffs were nothing but affirmations of greatness for the Steelers and the Seahawks. Should make for an exciting Super Bowl - or at least let's hope! I'm looking for a long-overdue Super Bowl commercial featuring August Busch, IV as he should be - naked.

Until then, what is a girl to do? Buy shoes, of course!! With a little help from my friends on Saturday night (thanks Nic and Lance!), I gave in to the influence of my beverage consumption, and ordered some sweet shoes. I can't bear to pay $450 for Manolo Blahnik's, but these two will certainly do:

As a short girl (5'3"), I love a good excuse to buy heels. And I love that my profession allows me to dress in fine clothes (if I choose), complimented by fine shoes. Not to mention the opportunity I have to go out and hit a club every so often, or go to a fancy banquet. Even if I didn't have these blessings, I know I would still have to wear heels.

Typical comments: "How do you walk in those things?" "Don't those kill your feet?" "Doesn't your back hurt?"

Answers: Easy - with practice. And I've had years of it. It also helps to have good posture.
No, they don't kill my feet, because I'm smart enough to make sure I get them a size or half-size larger than I usually wear to avoid pain and squinched toes. (Squinched IS a word, right?)
And no, my back doesn't hurt. At least not from the shoes.

Another Tragedy

The mining families of West Virginia, you are in my heart.

Again.

Sigh.

Post Globes Observations

Ah...the Golden Globes did not disappoint!! Some of the dresses were FABU, including Kate Beckinsale, Natalie Portman, Kiera Knightley, Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johannsson, Sarah Jessica Parker, and ALL the Housewives - every single one looked spectacular. Even a pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow looked wonderful. I'm still on the fence about Geena Davis. She's a seasoned actress, and has the courage to wear red head-to-toe. She's a big woman, but her guts to step out there in that ensemble score some points.

Now, Reese Witherspoon always looks great, IMHO; however, I have to give her bad marks for her dress. "Vintage Chanel?" Okay, I'll buy that. But she wore the same exact dress that Kirsten Dunst wore to the 2003 Golden Globes Focus Features party!!! The only thing worse is showing up at the same event in the same dress! Don't believe me? Well, here it is. Reese --- you have so much more class than the fugly Dunst. Shame on you. You should have done your homework. You do pull it off better than Kirsten - but two years does not vintage make.

Note to Drew Barrymore: wear a bra. Honey, you have nice large bazookas --- give them a little support.

Mariah Carey? Not one of my favorites. But HELLO?!? Side-boob AND armpit cleavage - all in the same dress! Not a flattering look.

And what with Mrs. Boobs? Pamela Anderson? They are a trademark! Wear them with pride! Bought and paid for! Don't hide them in a horrible-burial-shroud-black sheath. Please. It's one of the few reasons people look at you.

And Mrs. Johnny Depp SERIOUSLY needs to gain some weight.

No...I'm not jealous, thereby harping on the stars' clothes. I honestly believe that women with access to stylists, makeup artists, and the ability to afford ANY dress should certainly be expected to make good choices with those resources! So when they make bad ones, there really is no excuse for them.

As for the Housewives? Well, Felicity was the lone Globe-winner for her gender-bending role in a movie, and she looked anything but manly on this night. However, the show itself won --- notice anything familiar about this photo?
Yep - Ms. Sheridan is indeed holding the Globe again. Think they are intimidated by her? She did look smashing in her dress, and her date for the evening was a much-younger man. Kudos to her!

And, the poor Housewives lost the chance for an individual Globe to someone far more desperate. A housewife willing to do the unthinkable - sell marijuana! Mary-Louise Parker beat them all for her role on "Weeds." Maybe that will teach the Housewives to get a little more desperate next time!