Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Quick Update for the Bloodthirsty

You guys crack me UP!!! Frothing at the mouth, waiting for more details...

There are some good ones ahead, so be patient with me. You must know two very important things before I proceed much further:

1) My parents (adoptive, but parents nonetheless) know NOTHING of this blog.
2) My parents would be absolutely HORRIFIED if they knew I had done any research AT ALL concerning my birthmother.

I seriously can't tell you why. What I can tell you is that all my life, my mother has insisted that my birthmother must be akin to the devil for leaving me. I have heard all sorts of negativity about this woman, including that she must have been a drug-addicted, slovenly, disgusting vile creature. I agree, it seems an abhorrent thing to do to a tiny baby. But...this concept of her being some horrific beast is hard for me to fully accept. I am so amazingly different than my parents, and my traits must stem partially from my biology. I have always given my birthmother the benefit of the doubt and can imagine a variety of scenarios that could have led to my abandonment.

I will tell more very soon. However, know one more sad thing. The state of California is what they call an "open records" state. What this means is that if my birthmother came into the adoption agency and volunteered her information, I would have the right to obtain such information. EXCEPT FOR ONE KEY CONDITION: My adoptive parents would have to give consent. I fully explored this when I applied to receive my "non-identifying" information (the minimum you can receive after the age of 21 without such consent). EVEN IF MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS BOTH BECOME DECEASED - I still can't get the information. Isn't that just f*&#ing crazy?

Yes, I thought of approaching them and asking for this consent. After working up the courage and having my first tentative conversation with them, I was met with extreme hurt and rage as to why I would even consider embarking on this adventure. (This happened when I was 26 years old.) So, being a good daughter (and knowing that it probably wouldn't be a fruitful endeavor), I elected not to pursue this avenue.

I am me. That will never change. And knowing that I have one little relative in this world, into whose little face I can see some semblance of my own, has been worth more to me than any knowledge I gained or will gain in the future.

13 comments:

M J said...

Wow, wow, wow. Maybe one day your Mom & Dad will realize that you mean them no disrespect. I don't know if I could live with that sort of... curiosity.

Still frothing...

Karmyn R said...

That's too bad that your parents feel so threatened by your curiosity. I hope they change their minds for your sake. I can see a lot of good reasons for finding out who your biological parents are. Mainly - having a Health History - knowing which diseases you may be genetically predetermined for; What you need to look for and be aware of.


And as for your birth mother - who knows what desperation led her to abandon you. I can't imagine what type of pain or fear would lead a mother to that decision.

momto3cubs said...

How awful. I sure wish your parents would let you look into this. I imagine they are scared of losing you, or want to protect you from a heartbreaking situation.

I had the opposite thought about your birth mom - that she wasn't evil, but that she loved you and knew she couldn't take care of you, and left you alive and well in a place where she knew you would soon be found. I think her actions shows that she did love you, but some unfortunate situations must have forced her to give you up. Maybe she was young and single, or was in an abusive relationship, etc. She care for you for at least a few days it sounds like.

I think she has always wondered about you too.

Pamela said...

Some babies aren't abandoned, they are thrown away. You were not thrown away... but left where someone was sure to find you very quickly.

I guess we seem "blood thirsty".... but I think I'm just so interested in your story. Too curious, I am (My Yoda talk for the day)

(:

willowtree said...

Tiggs, thanks for letting me know about the postings. When I was reading the latest one, I was thinking the same as Karmyn, Momto3 and Pamela. There's no way I would judge someone unless I had been in their position (and that's never going to happen). Pamela makes the most salient point, you weren't thrown away you were left where you would be found, that's got to show some decency.

I'm stunned that you need your adoptive parent's consent, what if they actually stole you (not saying they did, just saying that it could work against itself). And then to find that you can't pursue it even after they're dead! That's more amazing than being found at a service station.

Hey speak for yourself Pamela, I'm definitely frothing at the mouth, this stuff is GREAT!!

Shauna said...

Tiggerlane - I'm so glad that you were adopted by wonderful people. . .

I do think tho that you should get the consent from just in case you were able to find your birthmother and get medical records. . .I know that it MUST BE HARD - but it's something to think about. . .Especially for your semblance.

Tiggerlane said...

If you knew my parents, you might understand that it would absolutely devastate them if I approached them again. They are now 66 and 71 - and not in good health. I felt it would be too selfish of me to push them - and they would probably hate me for it.

I have only seen them once in the past six years - but that's another story for another time.

Don't worry, the FUNNY parts of this adoption story are coming soon (the one Songbird alluded to) - when my scanner is finally installed!

SongBird said...

Ok, I know all this stuff about you so I am not frothing at the mouth or anything, but if you don't tell about your panic attack SOON, I am gonna steal the story...ha, ha, ha.....Give me the dang pictures and I'll scan them!

willowtree said...

Yeah give the pictures to Songbird. I don't care where I get my news from.

Tigger -you're right in not wanting to stress your parents, my parents died within 4 months of each other. But get this, when they died, my dad was a year older than your dad, and my mum was a year older than your mom.

And seeing as all this started with talk about birthdays, my parents shared a birthday, July 1st.

Anonymous said...

Now sister I'm going to have to think on this blog before I reply in detail. What an amazing journey you are on....

Swampwitch said...

Tigger: All that is important is that you are content with who you are. I respect that you don't want to hurt your parents, but also understand the desire to know your birth mother. No one knows her circumstances at the time. I'm sure she thinks about what she did every day of her life. In reading your words, I feel you are a happy, secure young lady and that posting here is very therapeutic for you. No one knows what you feel unless they've walked a mile in your mocassins.

Silly Hily said...

Seriously? You can vote, serve in the military, buy alcohol but can't find out info on your biological mother unless your adoptive parents say it's okay? Wow.

piglet said...

How weird is that? Too bad your parents have to take that personally. I have the similar issue with my mother.
She doesn't like the fact that I have relations with my birth father b/c she has a life long resentment. I was loyal to her for years until I realized that I needed to know some stuff about my biological father. Hard decisions for you to make there.