Friday, December 21, 2007

Still Meme-ing!

I'm still trying to finish my five-post meme, and I sense a recurring theme. Let's see if you do! Here is a story of something that happened at work. I don't often blog about my work, b/c I am the boss, and I have a responsibility to my agents. But this story? Oh, it's priceless. I bring you one of "The Orifice Chronicles:"

It was a typical busy day at the orifice (office). Crazy busy, agents rushing around, customers and clients filling our 2-story building, and the phone ringing off the hook. I hang around the front desk in times like these, helping out the client coordinator. Lanna is extremely capable, but trying to handle a team of 10 agents and numerous clientele can be overwhelming.
The young son of a customer came racing towards the front desk, holding a box of matches in his hand. He exclaimed excitedly, "These were in your bathroom!!!!" His tone was of sheer panic, as if our lives were in danger, because they were in plain view, IN OUR BATHROOM. That SMALL CHILDREN might occupy. Such as HIMSELF. It was as if he had discovered a hornet's nest in there - along with a rattlesnake and two tarantulas thrown in for good measure.

Lanna and I try to keep from bursting out in laughter, and I calmly tell the boy, "It's alright Sweetheart, they belong in there. That is their home." All the while, trying not to lose complete control, while witnessing abject horror on his face.

Thankfully, his mother was not one of the complacent parents we often encounter. She overheard the conversation and swooped in to save us from our plight. "It's okay, **** (name deleted to protect the innocent/panicked), they probably use those to light candles in there from time to time. Just go put them back where they belong."

As Lanna and I almost collapse from the effort of stifling raucous laughter, the mother watches lovingly as the lad leaves to return the matches to their proper place on the back of the commode. She passes us this knowing look, with great kindness, as we share the common "assumption" of what great benefit matches can be for those who choose (or are forced by nature) to use that facility for more "odorous" bodily evacuations. This bathroom is dangerously close to the lobby, and though we have three bathrooms - this particular one has the perfect ambience to get the bowels moving. Sometimes, the Febreze spray just doesn't do the trick.

Shortly thereafter, I hear this loud voice from the bathroom: "I've looked all over in here, and I CAN'T FIND CANDLES!!!! Where are the CANDLES?!?!?! How can they LIGHT CANDLES?!?!? THERE AREN'T ANY IN HERE!!!"

The mother, obviously mortified, apologizes with, "I guess he's just at that age where you can't put one over on him." Sadly, we could barely respond, as Lanna and I finally collapsed and burst out laughing, tears streaming down our face.

I don't envy that poor woman, as she will have to finally explain the matches. I can envision her future, as her son will undoubtedly one day "do his business," light a match, stick his head in the toilet to take a whiff and exclaim, "MOM!!!! This DOESN'T WORK!!!! I've lit the match, and how come I CAN STILL SMELL S**T?!?!?!?!"

17 comments:

Kaytabug said...

OMG this is hilarious and classic!!

M@ said...

Wow. If febreeze isn't doing the trick, Tigger, I think you may wish to reexamine your diet. :)

Bond said...

A total classic.... bwahahahahahaha

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND..hoping all y'all have a wonderful and safe holiday

laurie said...

this one has me laughing out loud.

it reminds me of a friend of mine who used to keep matches and candles in her bathroom, too, for the same reason. her boyfriend used to make fun of her for being too fastidious.

so one time she didn't light the candle.

and he went in the bathroom after her and came right back out again. "are you sick???" he wanted to know.

she was humiliated. started using the candle again after that.

Beckie said...

That is HILARIOUS, but....does a match really work? I remember my mom lighting a match.., uh, on occasion, but I never really thought it worked all that well. Maybe she needed to examine her diet.

Karmyn R said...

heh heh - poor kid. He probably got a serious lesson in life!

Kaycie said...

That's hilarious.

There are candles in every bathroom in my house. My husband is dangerous.

sirdar said...

That is just darn funny!! We have some spray thing in the bathroom and the kids usually come in and spray after I've been in there. Ya....like my shit stinks or something....

BS said...

You made my evening !! LOL

Tiggerlane said...

kaytabug - yeah, there are some orifice stories that MUST be told.

m@ - I never said I used that bathroom. I have a private, executive bathroom upstairs, across from my executive office. And for the record, I RARELY do "that" anywhere but home.

bond - Merry Christmas to you as well! Wave as you pass my office on your trip!

laurie - sometimes, just the match is enough to do the trick!

beckie - red meat is the WORST. I rarely eat it. And most of the time it works - but sometimes? Two matches are best.

karmyn r - what I wouldn't have given to be IN THE CAR on his ride home.

kaycie - I have a catbox in our only bathroom. It requires copious amounts of incense.

sirdar - what? NO WAY. Not you!

bs - glad to be of service! Everyone needs a good orifice story. Literally.

Kila said...

Our insurance agency was also insanely busy on Friday. We couldn't believe it. If we weren't agents, insurance would be the furthest thing from our mind during this madness to get ready for the holiday, LOL.

I think it's adorable and wonderful that he did what he was supposed to do--he took it very seriously, didn't play with them or hide them, and he brought them to an adult. I'm so proud of him. I'm afraid my boys wouldn't have done so well.

You have ten agents? That's pretty good! I'm proud of you, too :)

Melissa said...

I want to come work in your office, just to hang out with you. Official Blog Assistant or something? You can create that title, right? As boss?

Merry Christmas to you guys, if I forget between now and the in laws of doom. We are going to Vegas someday, you HOT BLOGGER. ;)

Tiggerlane said...

kila - actually, I wrote this a year ago - I'm at 11 personnel total, staff and agents, with is a good mix. And yeah! We were actually busy THIS year, too - insane. But like you said - when you work on commission - no time is a bad time!

melissa - MUST. DO. I think I need to see how many bloggers fit on my porch, too. The job is yours, if you want it! This blog DOES take some time!

Dan said...

I tried this match trick and it DOES still smell like sh*t! :)

Pamela said...

My sisters late MIL about burned down her house -- because she used matches and threw them in the garbage can.

We used matches when I was a little kid.

Tiggerlane said...

dan - and yet, sometimes, it actually DOES work. But I think it may take two matches.

pamela - OMG! I should rethink the matches in the bathroom, then!

coloursofdawn said...

That is so funny, I have been reading these to my son who is well, a boy.