Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Holiday Favorite

I hope you and yours are preparing yourself for a fantastic holiday, recession/depression be damned! This is one of my favorite holiday stories, which appeared in a book by Jeff Foxworthy many years ago. No idea if it is true or not, but this is the kind of family stuff that makes the holiday season special!

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.

17 comments:

Desert Songbird said...

This is really from the Matt-Man archives, isn't it? Isn't it?

Fianna said...

LMAO.

Jay said...

Now THAT is quality Christmas entertainment right there!

Great story!

Sayre said...

Oh, oh, oh!!! I can't catch my breath... tooooooo funny!!! If you don't mind, I'm going to email this to my mom and dad. I am not exaggerating when I say they will truly appreciate this story!!!

Pamela said...

good to hear that wonderful tale again. made me giggle.

merry Christmas. You've been in your house a year now, yes?

Karmyn R said...

hee hee - that is a goodie!

Merry Christmas!

Mind of MadMan said...

Porn store confusion.. gotta love it.
Just picturing GP sitting onm the floor handling his civic duties just cracks me up.

e c f e s w said...

i can tell i am going to fucking love your blog~~~i will be reading your archives~~don't freak out!

crazy charlene

charlene in ar@twitter

http://charfread.blogspot.com/ is my dad's blog

Kila said...

LMAO, that is hilarious!

Kila said...

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

koehmstedt said...

Merry Christmas!

Bond said...

BRILLIANT!

I laughed so hard my back hurts again...thanks!

Hoping your Christmas was joyous!

dailypiglet said...

BEST story EVER! i would pay good money to buy the video.

12ontheinside said...

Bwahaha! Great story, thanks for the laugh.

Tiggerlane said...

Desert Songbird - I don't know...got it in an email!

Fianna - classic.

Jay - I aim to please!

Sayre - be my guest!!

Pamela - Merry Christmas to you, too! And it will be a year on February 19th, 2009...which is good, since we have a few things that need fixing while it is still under warranty.

Karmyn R - and a happy new year!

Mind of MadMan - I wonder if I still recognize everything in the porn store...scared to know, tho.

e c f e s w - I'll try not to freak - but be gentle, k?

Kila - same to you and your lovely family!

koehmstedt - merry right back, and a happy new year!

Bond - it was - and I hope your back is better!

dailypiglet - I would pay good money to have that family!

12ontheinside - so glad you enjoyed it!

dawn said...

Oh that is funny. I read it to Sirdar. Thanks for the laugh.

sirdar said...

As Dawn said...she read it to me and I laughed and laughed. Had to come by and read it myself. Damn funny!! :lol: