American WHAT?

I will preface this by saying that I am in no way a great singer. Yes, I sing along in my car/shower/house/office to all manner of tunes, but I would never subject myself to any form of competition. Especially in front of actual people.

What was up with American Idol last night? Hello? Did they forget they are on national television - with a live studio audience? This isn't time for warmups!

The most hideous thing? Ace Young and his SCAR.
Honestly. His performance reminded me of when Amber was little, and used to mime the words to cheesy songs while using her Little Tykes microphone in the living room. Funny and cute when she was three. Not funny and cute when a grown man strokes his SCAR during his performance and strokes his HAIR as well. Granted, I know the lyrics to "Drops of Jupiter." But Ace, give me a break. Your narcissism is almost as annoying as Kellie Pickler's hick-speak.

Once again, I voted for Taylor. He and Paris had the best performances of the night. I don't think Taylor is the best singer, but he is HONEST. He isn't trying to woo the audience. He isn't trying to seduce the camera to win the 16-year-old-girl vote. He finally sang without having an epileptic seizure, which granted, can distract. (I know, it's his SOUL speaking when he moves like that - but it is a tad painful to watch.)

And someone, please vote Bucky off. I don't think I can take another week.

T.M.I.

I get these all the time, so in an effort to satisfy everyone's curiosity, I've posted my answers. Read 'em and weep. This is one of those posts I hope my parents never see!

You know the drill - you're supposed to place an X by all the things you've done, and send it to all of your friends.
This is for your entire life:

(X) Smoked a cigarette
(X) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car (they should have had "crashed into a friend's car")
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Been in love
(X Been dumped
(X) Been laid off/fired (and only b/c my boss wasn't paying his federal taxes!)
(X) Quit your job
( ) Been in a fist fight
( ) Snuck out of your parent's house (I was too goody-two-shoes for that back then)
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (Hello? Matt Damon??)
( ) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend
(X) Skipped school (only college, tho. I think I skipped entire years.)
(X) Seen someone die
( ) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
( ) Gone to Washington, DC (next year!)
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayon
(X) Sang karaoke (karaoke video, no less!)
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Clause
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
(X) Crashed a party
(X) Gone roller-skating
(X) Ice-skating

This is a very tame version of the "sex quiz" from years ago. No way I'm posting my answers to that one. Any others, feel free to send them to me. Maybe I'll answer.

Now, I want to know how many of you have stolen a car.

Surviving, Again

Hello, folks. I did not, as reported, drop off the face of the earth. I was merely spending another weekend, out of town, cavorting with fountain ducks.

It is amazing to me that as I get older, it takes so much longer to recover from a simple weekend out of town. (And yes, "simple weekend" usually involves an alcoholic beverage or two. Or three. Okay, maybe four.) In the olden days (read: college), I could go on for many days in a row without sleep and little sustenance besides 39-cent tacos and Boone's Strawberry Hill. I never remember being exhausted and having to take a "down day" to recuperate. Maybe I would have to take a partial day to recover from a hangover, but I was always ready for another round by evening.

Now, I spend one night partying (not even LATE, people!), and semi-sleep in an uncomfortable hotel bed, and BAM! I spent almost all day Sunday trying to regain my sense of self. It took all the energy I could muster to go to WalMart (then again, that's not unusual) and do the shopping.

Adding to my puzzlement - I eat SO MUCH BETTER now - PLUS, I exercise on a regular basis! I literally sweat out impurities by the bucketload when I work out! I read! I drink gallons of water - especially when I'm on a trip! I am a responsible individual! What's wrong with this picture?

Any tips are appreciated. And please, don't just tell me I'm getting old.

A Parent's Nightmare, Part Deux

It's staring you and your child in the face - the impending due date of the science fair project. Thankfully, the science teacher tells you about it during the first week of school. Giving you plenty of time to fret and worry.

Phase One - selecting a topic. This is made much easier due to the experimental nature of our daily home life. Father Roger comes up with the perfect project - involving baking soda and vinegar. With the help of the science teacher, we refine the project into an experiment involving exploding a cork out of a container and measuring the height the cork sails into the stratosphere, using various quantities of baking soda. A simple variation of a parlor trick we employed to amaze the child's friends during their toddler years.

Then comes the worst phase - attempting to prod the immobile child into completing the project. Stern phrases are heard, echoing throughout the house over the coming months.

"Have you thought about your science project?"
"When are you going to start your science project?"
"Exactly how much time until your science project is due?"
"Are you planning to wait until the absolute last minute to begin the science project?"
"Hello? Are you in there? Science project, anyone?"

Finally, the threats and the removal of privileges.

"No, you can't stay at so-and-so's house. Why? Because you haven't finished your science project."
"No, you can't rent that movie. The time would be much better spent on that science project."
"No dinner until you've spent an hour on that science project."
"I'm going to take your portable DVD player and do my own freakin' science project to see how far I can hurl it across the street and into the path of a passing SUV if you don't start working on that science project."

All of a sudden, the term "science project" becomes more offensive than any four-letter expletive known to man.

Alas, there is a happy/unhappy ending. Miraculously, the child works on the science project. Begrudgingly, she works on the project. Astonishingly, the child is remarkably proficient at using her computer skills to lay out all the photos and written portions of the science project. The science project is actually completed, the day before the science fair, in 30 minutes, because the child realizes there is no other option, if she cares to live any kind of existence outside (or inside) the home. It was easier than expected. The pressure appears to be off. A sense of relaxation begins to overcome the household for the first time in months.

Until the day of the science fair. Yes, here is your dual ending. The science project actually places. The science project will be traveling beyond the borders of the county, to compete at another level.

It will not die.

A Parent's Nightmare, Part One

You know the second they hand you that beautiful little bundle in the delivery room? That moment that couldn't be more awe-inspiring and heavenly? (Well, okay - assuming you had good drugs and/or complete amnesia for the past twelve hours.) There is something that awakens in the brain. Remotely, deeply, a small seed that begins to grow slowly over time...

You don't know really what it is - and after those first few blissful years of cuteness and toddlerhood, you begin to think it's taking shape somehow. As if you can almost put your finger on it.

Getting into the school years, it starts to feel like a loathsome dread - a black cloud hanging over you. That there is a mysterious facet of parenthood ahead that you had not anticipating while rolling around in the hay with your spouse, hurtling toward the bliss of procreation. You think it might involve organized sports and the demise of your beloved offspring in some freak basketball mishap. It continues to elude you for a few more years.

Finally, it hits you when the child enters the sixth grade. It is only then that the veil is lifted and realize the true horror of what lies before you. The one thing that you forgot, that has had parents and children locked in one of the most brutal conflicts of all time.

THE DREADED SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT.

Oscar Wrap-Up

Sigh...the last of the big award shows is over. What is a girl to do until football season begins again?

So, you know I can't pass up the opportunity to criticize some of the dresses, right? After all, even though this year's crop was one of the most fabulous and diva-stating ever, you KNOW there were flops. And I'm gonna point them out. (And btw, who was the genius who came up with POCKETS for formal gowns? I have to give them props for the strangest trend this year - yet the most useful!!)

Beautiful Charlize Theron. I have to give you credit for really getting nasty-looking in your last two films - that's what wins Oscars - but this is the night to SHINE, babe. Help Hollywood remember how gorgeous you really are! Don't hide half your face with a big, silly bow - then couple that with a dress that does NOTHING for your breasts!! Are you out of your mind? Or have you played so many ugly women lately that you just can't quite pull it together when need be?

Naomi Watts. Honey, we saw the big brutish Kong whip you around...but did you have a tussle at the Siegfried & Roy Ranch before the show? Seriously - this has to be the worst dress of the evening. I can't even see your waist, what with all that ratted material draped over it. Please don't tell me you paid good money to look so disheveled.

I won't even mention the atrocity on top of Helena Bonham Carter's head. I just pray that it wasn't her hair.
And once again, gotta love ya, Reese. But why did you wear a dress that weighs a ton? It was painful watching you lift it as you made your way up the steps to the podium - I honestly believe I saw you cringe with the effort. You are such a bright, light, funny little thing - and you chose to wear something that resembles curtains from the Titanic. I was waiting for the dress to pull you under the red carpet, drowning in a sea of fabric and beadery. My advice - try something fun next time. And light.

Lastly, what was up with all the montages? We could have cut those out, and saved an hour of show. Kudos for John Stewart for mentioning that! And I felt terribly sorry for Bobby Moresco, the OTHER winner of the original screenplay for "Crash." They shut out the lights and wouldn't even let him speak! Note to the Academy: cut the montages, and let the winners have their moment in the spotlight, uninterrupted.

Go Taylor!

Another good night of American Idol - and once again, the boys WAY outdid the girls. I was browsing the Taylor Hicks Fan Site earlier this evening, and noticed something strange. It appears that Taylor, in his younger (darker) days, bore a striking resemblance to a popular actor. An actor who is also now a salt-n-pepper man, though much older than our Hicks. Care to guess? C'mon --- look at the eyes. It's in there.